graduation

9/5/24

Pre graduation ceremony was depressing. "You'll all go far in life" and that crap. Knowing what I know, that most of my friends gave up on their idealistic dreams to do something that'll make money.. fuck, it's just so depressing. I feel like a misanthropic loser but honestly I don't know what'll happen to me after graduation. Whether i can come out, whether getting a degree will help me get a job, any of it.

Anyways its 5am. I can't sleep all of a sudden. I'll toss and turn and fall asleep at 11 and wake up at 4. Even when I plan out to give myself time to sleep. Maybe it's stress. Fucking calculus, man. I knew I wasn't good enough at math to take it.

Year 3 Class 14

Been relistening to Siinamota's discography a lot recently. One of my favorite songs is Year 3 Class 14. Partially because of the music video. It's kinda gross on further inspection (a lot of very juvenile humor, boob jiggle and stuff like that) but i find it to be almost more compelling than the lyrics themself.

Below is a subjective analysis of it (by me.)

The protagonist? Heroine? Goes to school. Sees all these horrible things happening. Kids jumping off the roof, just having total disregard for themselves, etc. She tries to follow her dreams (represented by a taller, more mature version of herself with a guitar and cool hair) but is held back by school. In school, in class, she sits while all of her classmates (metaphorically?) Drown. I see this and the window thing as symbolic of either teen suicide or just general self destructiveness. Everyone around her is suffering, and noone presumably cares. Also she has a life counter, like a videogame. It's set at 2.

Then she "is killed", by this mysterious persona. She "respawns", life counter now at 1, determined to find her again, and runs over a bunch of people (presumably emotionally hurting them, since a lot of siinamota's songs are just apologies to people he hurt). Again, she runs up to the roof, determined to find this person. This time, she's the one metaphorically drowning. Noone sees how she is in pain. When she looks out the window and sees herself falling off the roof, it signifies that she has no future. That she feels she'll never achieve her dreams.

And again, the "persona" comes back. She carries her onto a roof and presumably beats her to death. Life counter = 0.

She's on a stage. Clapping is everywhere, but the auditorium is empty. This could be interpreted many ways- one, that she achieved her dream (of being a cool rockstar) by getting on the stage; or two, that she put herself out there and still feels unacknowledged.

Given how siinamota died, and how he dropped out of school to pursue music, I'd choose the latter.

Also the killing of the "self" by the "persona"? Self loathing, baby. The cool persona that could be someday kills itself via grandfather paradox, the clumsy, unpolished self, and ceases to exist entirely. (side note- kind of transgender? wish i could get some of my trans friends to listen to this, but they'd probably think it was weird)

I really love this MV animator too they have so many good voca mvs.

But yeah, the student body isn't ok. They're in pain and noone can see. I relate to that part so much. A decent chunk of my friends are so jaded about college, their futures. They've given up on their dreams and passions. (Well I know college isn't everything. You can still have passions outside of a degree. But like, ... i don't know. It's still sad.) It's like they don't even see a future for themselves.

I don't really, but I'm trying to push myself forward. For better or for worse.