10/24/24; 6:11pm
today i climbed a 30 foot tall ladder up to the stage grid, where the lights are hung. the sweat filled my starch wool gloves. filled with fear. I tried not to look down. My heart was pounding.
ive had the same thought, over and over again when the chips are down, of jumping off the catwalks. Imagining everyone's faces as my lifeless body ragdolls onto the stage.
as I climbed back down the ladder, knowing noone would catch me, that there were no railings, that the only thing preventing me from slipping into death was my own hand, I had this weird feeling. I was scared of death. Death was no longer a comfort I could invoke at will. Death was forever, and I wanted to live. It was almost a religious trance of sorts. I wanted everyone to live.
but yeah, i'm still scared of heights.
also, kids seem so happy. Even freshmen. I had a freshman tell me they wanted to get a job where they "snowboarded" for a living. I wish I could be so carefree and innocent again.
Oh, and I put in my college apps now. I don't really feel it. I wrote out a whole spiel about this in my last now deleted entry, about how life was futile and how I'd just be chained to my parents via tuition forever. But it's whatever. I continue to walk the narrow path provided to me by my parents. I continue to repress my gender and sexuality. It truly is whatever... :P. I'll have to come out eventually. I'll have to be told, no, you can't go on HRT, eventually. I'll just delay the inevitable for now. It's whatever. If I just don't think about it, sit still and pretend it's not happening, then it might go away.
A lot of fucked up shit happened this week. It's so fucked up and personal that I can't really write about it here. It's just like, I dunno.. I don't ever want to have kids. So many parents just project their issues onto their kids. They can't interface with them. They think it's a sense of pride to dole out the harshest punishments, ice them out, act like they're being malicious when they're trying to work things out. Teachers bragging about destroying their kids' property. Parents thinking they have the right to cut off all escape or social contact from their children, going through all of their belongings.
I'll never have children. I just can't. There's too much hurt involved, in raising a child. Noone gets out unscathed.
had more to write here but I'm tired. So tired.. (blazing saddles reference?)
like i've been playing video games and shit but after extracurriculars I'm burnt out as fuck. Toby Fox made Earthbound Halloween hack when he was like, 16, why can't I make something like that? Feel apathetic. Feel pathetic. Feel like I've basically lost all favor with my friends. Feel like I'm a loser. the same kids that constantly bullied me in class last semester now snidely congratulate me on my accomplishments. God, I hate school. Feels so insincere, all of it.
I've been trying too hard to impress someone I really like and it shows. hard. I just want to curl up in a pile and not talk to anyone. I'm so tired. So much I wanted to say, all crumpling into a heap like me after school today.